Monday, July 26, 2010


My daughter reminded me there is time for play and time for everything else.

As I went into my son's room to fulfill a request, I noticed my daughter was still awake. I gave her the one-minute signal. I re-tucked James in and went in to Lily's room. She was upset. She was trying to act tough, big-kid style. She's lucky to have a 6-year old's vocabulary, because what she said belied her efforts to be cool - not be a kid.

"Lily, what's wrong?"
"Are you sure?"
"Uh-huh," and now she's clinging to me, trying to bury her head in my neck.
"Lily, what's wrong, I can tell you've been crying, you're upset."

She burst into tears and said, "I want to be a kid forever!" Then she proceeded to sob uncontrollably.

My response was to laugh and then tell her there was no use, she's going to grow up, but its how she decides to live her life that makes her concern real or not. I don't subscribe to birthdays and age and (im)maturity. You are who you are, and you get over it. Then I realized I was over my head.

I picked her up and took her to my wife. Kelly cries twice a year - unprovoked by me - in August and just after Christmas. She says August is the coldest month of the year, and the excitement of the holiday’s are gone. Kelly is an expert in kidizenship. I laughed again, because Kelly was whispering to Lily and she was crying. She had wanted to be a kid forever too.

Lily is going to grow up. Hopefully, I won’t get in the way, but maybe I can live a little younger with her as my role model.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Open Prayer

Oh, God, I wonder if I'm alright or just lost. I don't know anxiety, and I have been riddled with it. It's the night time and the quiet time. Somehow failing this time is inevitable. I'm not a failure, although I fail. I am concerned of the things I will have to do, not the things I want to do.

Triage. Give me blood. Give me a reaction. I trust my guts.

I have wanted to do this, but I feel unprepared, even as I have been asked to do this. I fear that I have to give more than I expect to give. Worst is I'm afraid I don't have it to give. I need some strength and reassurance. I need more than loud talk and an unblinking eye. I know my weaknesses, and I'm chasing new ones.

I ask for success, I ask for lightness, I ask for a song, I ask for sight, I ask for support, I ask for clarity, I ask for the strength inside of me.