Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

I made four resolutions:
1. Be deliberate with my family and my self (patience)
2. Make a monthly goal (January: write a personal blog post each week (how silly of me))
3. Be self-conscious about weight and health
4. Read 12 books

I make them because they work. I have successes in reaching them. Each year, I make four resolutions, two new and two that build upon the last year. Goals three and four build upon last year. Why did I make these goals? I will explain, vaguely.

Resolution number one. This will be the hardest and the one I struggle with long after 2011 is over, so check in, I'll update you.

RN2. I'll explain more in a later post. In addition, I have already failed to meet RN2, but the overarching resolution I am excited about and look forward to making February's resolution.

RN3. I failed 2010's goal of losing twenty pounds. So this one is flexible because of that fact.

RN4. I did not meet my 2010 resolution of reading 12 books but was close, so I decided to try again.

I have a number of excuses and reasons I can share for not making two of last year's and discussing the futility of trying to meet some of this year's, but it isn't worth your time. I do want to spend some time on RN2, because I outwitted myself.

I read the following and it may have ruined me. "Abbot Pambo questioned Abbot Anthony saying: What ought I to do? And the elder replied, Have no confidence in your own virtuousness. Do not worry about a thing once it has been done. Control your tongue and belly." This is from The Wisdom of the Desert Fathers translated by Thomas Merton.

I have to come clean and I’m not sure how to do it. This blog was started because of a specific reason I haven’t shared. The problem is sometimes when I write this reason crops up and deters me from my general goal of writing for my own sense of whatever: gratification, catharsis, wants, desire… I thought my first of four posts this January would be a meditation from the translation because it neatly summarized my resolutions. It still does, but it is illuminating of my own “virtuousness” keeping this thing to myself.

After a particular point, you’ll say I’m being coy. If I share I can get on with it and write with abandon. If I don’t, I can maintain the dignity of the thing insofar as I’m not moving on and that is bad too. In the end it’s me, not the issue. Sharing it on the blog somehow is bigger than a conversation. I’ll lose control, and that is what I don’t want the most.

For now, ask me, I’ll tell you, maybe you already know and I’m just being me.